All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
