Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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