Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
