ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
well you can't waste a boner
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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