does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
