can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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