Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
