did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
