So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
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