Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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