so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The uberlube is also flammable
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
