He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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