I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
