Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
