TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
