is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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