i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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