she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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