just tell him i said nine months
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
