you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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