I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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