So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
