Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
