If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
