he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
