I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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