planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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