right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
