I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
