One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
