I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
