I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
