drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
