the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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