Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
