I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
