My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
