Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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