I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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