But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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