Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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