Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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