U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
