If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
