did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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