My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
