Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
