does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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