He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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