Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
