I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize