How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
