Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
