the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
two words...techno handjob
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
