How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
