Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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