so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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