I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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